don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
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EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Canada has crack?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.