[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
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Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
dogs can find happiness so easily
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
We’re all getting idioter.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now