Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
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jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents