My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple