Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
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She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.