If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty