Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
School be like
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
<- sleeps well with others
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane