“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.