My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I am yelling
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
“i miss shittin on people”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super