Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
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I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.