Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
You Might Also Like
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?