Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
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In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
The hardest thing Vision has to do
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
This hospital has everything
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
my favorite genre of twitter
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven