*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
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I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My purse is deeper than some people.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
what’s more important?