No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
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so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
buying dead houseplants to save time
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married