My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
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SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I’m not proud
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill