Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
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doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you