it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
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my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
hmmm
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
This is my favorite one of these!
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.