I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
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The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.