Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
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“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
*Inspirational Tweets*
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Kentucky names the shit out of places