My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
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The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Um … Hot Wings please
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner