I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
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For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes