if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
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“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
how do lawyers not cry when arguing