Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I think I’ll stand
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations