Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
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Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.