Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Ugh but profoundly
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally