soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
You Might Also Like
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I feel it
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”