I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
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I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
This meeting could have been a cake
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well