Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
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CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
😏😏😏
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
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13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
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I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.