It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
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The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.