my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
and now we wait
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.