[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
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The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.