“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
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My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.