[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
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I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.