Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.