*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
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This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you