[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
You Might Also Like
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.