Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
You Might Also Like
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
man: wait
time: no
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.