So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
every. time.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.