ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
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My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!