Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
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Bro what is this
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
this was the best i’ve ever seen
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Baking is just science you can eat.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)