Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
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If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Happy Thanksgiving
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo