Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
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Delightful if true: booby trap.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?