Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
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Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.