It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
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Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.