Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
You Might Also Like
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though