Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
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Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
one of
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online