Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
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“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast