Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
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Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Great Canadian literature.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks