satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
The Punning Dead.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
🤣🤣🤣
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
who named him groot and not spruce lee