My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
definitely did not do anything wrong
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.